Chapter 4 – Sin

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I thought I could do it all over again.

Turn back the world.

Meet Saki and Towako-san.

Involve myself with Relics.

Return to Tsukumodo Antique Shop.

I believed I could do it all over again.

Same as always.

I thought that things would never change.

And though I had no proof whatsoever, I stupidly still believed.

Even if I always forgot that I had ever believed in the first place.

◆

… I found myself sitting in a corner of my room when I came to.

I felt like I had just woken up from a dream.

The same waking dream as always.

But somehow…

It felt different from my usual dreams.

Why?

I raised my hand to touch my artificial eye and noticed that my cheeks were damp.

I was crying?

It shocked and confused me to learn that I still even had tears left.

Why was I crying?

Were these feelings the cause of my tears?

What were these feelings?

The peculiar sensation of waking from a dream mixed with my own confusion about what I felt.

How could I describe this feeling?

Sadness, but it was more than that.

Anguish, but it was more than that.

Pain, but it was more than that.

…There was also warmth.

Somewhere in my heart, there was warmth.

I was sad, anguished, and even in pain, but for some reason, I felt warmth.

Why?

What was causing these feelings to well in my chest?

Why—

At that moment, a noise-like distortion ran across my eyes.

Another place.

Another time.

Another time.

A tilting field of view.

Through my artificial eye, I saw the world from someone else’s perspective.

Someone who was going to lose their life.

But that didn’t happen in reality.

This was one of the “dreams” I always saw through my artificial eyes.

Of the nightmare that was the future.

But this “nightmare” did not end there.

It continued.

Nothing like this had ever happened before.

I saw, with my eye…another future, one that continued after death.

That was—

—A death that was going to happen in the future.

I ran out of the house, following the future Vision had shown me, wishing for death.

I lost my way, and met that boy.

He had been by my side when Vision showed me my death.

I decided to stay with him.

If I stayed with him, I would be able to die.

We ate fast food, visited a trendy tea shop, and I had my first experience with an arcade.

And then that man appeared.

This was the attack that Vision had shown me.

I ran after the man who attacked the boy’s friend.

Deep into a narrow alleyway, the killer and I came to face to face.

Ah, death had finally come for me.

A strange sense of relief filled in my chest now that I knew my death was certain.

But the killer’s knife never reached me…

…It plunged into the boy who had shielded me with his body.

For some reason he…protected me.

When I asked him why, he said…

…That he didn’t want to see me die.

He was the only one who had ever said that to me.

He was the only one who rejected my mistaken beliefs.

He was the only one who acknowledged me.

He was the only one who wanted me to live.

I didn’t want to die.

The killer’s blade stabbed through me the moment that thought entered my mind.

…Ah, it’s the same as what Vision showed me.

My consciousness was fading.

My body couldn’t move.

I wasn’t long for death.

This was my punishment.

For wishing for life after praying for death.

Or perhaps because I didn’t even try to change this avoidable future.

Instead, I went out looking to die.

Fate was telling me that this was what I deserved.

I thought this was what I deserved too.

But he was the only one who didn’t accept that. He never gave up.

He carried me in his arms and went to find help.

Until finally he arrived at a small shop settled snugly in the deepest part of an alley.

He sought help inside.

This was a shop that handled items called “Relics”.

…I knew what they were.

I knew what Relics where.

Because my own two eyes were Relics.

He chose to use a Relic to save my life.

Stop! I wanted to scream.

Misfortune was the only thing that came from Relics.

My two eyes had taught me that.

I didn’t want him to go through the same thing.

I didn’t want him to endure misfortune for my sake.

But he had already decided to save my life.

He took the clock hand Relic and plunged it into my chest.

Phantom.

It was a forbidden Relic to turn back the world.

And that was where Vision’s future cut off.

My future death ended there.

But that wasn’t the end of everything.

It was only the end of the first death.

Nothing more than the beginning.

The visions started up again, almost like a film.

The next thing I knew, I was in my room again, heading out to meet him one more time.

I found him in the same place.

But he didn’t remember who I was.

The world had turned back. It was like nothing at all had changed.

No, it wasn’t right to say that nothing had changed.

I considered telling him the truth, but wasn’t like he’d understand just because I told him. In fact, I was afraid he’d get weirded out and run away if I did.

That’s why I thought it would be best to stay with him and hope he remembered on his own. But even after we went to the fast food restaurant, the teashop, and the arcade, he didn’t show any signs of remembering me.

That was when his friend was attacked.

Perhaps part of me thought he’d finally remember if I brought him with me to find the killer, not realizing what a mistake that was.

And so, just like the first time, the killer took his eye.

It was then, as I watched him suffer from his injury, that I finally realized my mistake.

What on earth was I doing?

Why did I take him with me, knowing full well that he’d get hurt again?

A wave of regret hit me.

It was always like this.

Even if I knew the future, all I could ever do is regret my actions.

That was the only way I knew how to live.

Then, just as the killer was about to take our lives, a woman entered the scene.

She drove the killer away and invited the boy and me to her shop.

The woman treated his injury and told him what was going on. He didn’t seem believe her at first, but after considering the circumstances and seeing Relics first hand, he begrudgingly accepted the facts.

That’s when it happened.

The killer found us in the shop.

He had a Relic in his hand.

And with it, he took my life once again.

And so—

I saw the future cut off again.

But of course this wasn’t the end.

The visions continued.

I found my way to him again.

We encountered the killer and the woman saved us yet once more.

A few things changed after that.

The boy and the woman tried everything to stop me from getting killed.

There were times where they failed. When that happened, Phantom turned back the world.

There were times where they succeeded, but then I found death waiting for me elsewhere.

Sometimes in an accident, sometimes through disease, sometimes, through Relics, and sometimes through suicide.

And each and every time, Phantom turned back the world.

We repeated this over and over.

Time after time.

Again and again and again—

And the final time, a certain woman used a Relic to kill me.

She was the mother of my friend whose death I had predicted with Vision so long ago.

Her deep rooted grudge had killed me.

No, fate had led her to kill me.

—I came back to my senses and looked up at the clock.

The clock hand inched along, seemingly unaware that the entire world had been turned back.

The killer would attack me by the time it completed a few dozen more rotations. 

…If I chose to go to that place, that was.

If I didn’t go, then he would never encounter the killer, and he’d never get involved with Relics.

But if he did end up seeing the killer…

Then he might end up dying without knowing anything.

…That was just an excuse.  There was no way that’d happen. He would be fine as long as he stayed away from me.

I looked at the clock again.

There was still some time before the killer attacked.

But the right timing to meet him was approaching fast.

I found myself standing, and forced myself to sit back down.

Stop that.

I would only be repeating the same mistakes.

I had never held on to my resolve, but this wasn’t the first time I tried to stay home.

That was what I should do this time.

The clock hand ticked ever forward.

It cut mercilessly into my remaining time.

The sound of ticking clock filled the room, almost as if it was trying to hurry me along,

All I had to do was wait a little longer and everything would be over. It would be as if nothing had happened.

Right, as if nothing…

“No, I can’t do this.”

I leapt to my feet and ran out the door.

My legs ignored my will and moved on their own.

Where was I trying to go?

Where else?

—To Tokiya

I was going to do it.

I was going to repeat my mistakes.

That painful thought ran through my chest.

No, I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes this time.

I was going to find Tokiya and finally say goodbye.

…Even if knew painfully well how empty that excuse was, I couldn’t stop my feet.

My mind understood that this wasn’t the right thing to do.

My resolve had failed me this time…no, it had failed me countless times.

Was it that my resolve returned every time the world went back?

Still, I kept going.

I went to Tokiya hoping that maybe this time there could be a miracle.

Wishing that this time for sure we’d find our happiness.

Even though I had failed so many times before.

I kept on trying.

Just as this insane world turned back on itself, so did I.

Making the same stupid mistakes again and again.

However…

It was true that at one point I did wish for death.

And that’s why I had no right to wish for life.

And if it came down to accepting my death, then I would accept it.

But only after I met Tokiya again.

It could put off dying until I saw him again. Surely that much could be forgiven.

A familiar townscape finally came into view. I had managed to make it here without getting lost.

My pace quickened, and before I knew it I was running.

Because this was where Tokiya was.

He was here passing out tissues for his part time job.

I quelled my impatience and slowed to a walk, steadying my ragged breath.

I saw other workers passing out tissues.

I was going to meet him soon.

That meeting was the one thing I didn’t want to change.

—Bump, I felt a hand touch me.

I quietly looked up at the owner of the hand.

I was sure I was going to see him looking at me with a troubled face, but…

“…Huh?”

“Ah, sorry about that.”

The person quickly bowed in apology and went on his way.

It wasn’t him.

This wasn’t Tokiya.

“…Why?”

◆

“Man, I’m tired.”, I cracked my stiff neck from side to side. 

I was still at school because a teacher had asked me to organize the science lab prep room. It was really more of a spare classroom used for storage than an actual  prep room, but either way, there hadn’t been enough time to clean it during the day. That’s why I stayed after school too.

I wasn’t happy about having to do this, but as a regular make-up exam taker, I was in no position to refuse any extra credit.

By the time I finished going through the piled up cardboard boxes, washing the dusty beakers, test tubes, and other stuff, and throwing away the things that couldn’t be used, the sun had already set long ago.

“Now then, what to do now…”

I was originally supposed to be handing out tissues at my part time job around now, but I told them about what happened and said I would be late. My plan was to head down there if there was any work left. The crew chief said I could take the day off,  I wanted to at least see how things were going to make up for the inconvenience I caused.

Maybe I could help out too if they weren’t done yet.

I wouldn’t get paid of course, but somehow I got the feeling that it was still a good idea to go.

“Who would have thought I was such a hard worker.”

But then, as if to rain on the parade of my newfound self-discovery, I got a text message from the crew chief. They had already finished quota for today.

“Huh, oh well.”

It had been three hours since work they started.

“What am I going to do about dinner, then…?”

I kind of felt like getting a hamburger, but there weren’t any fast food restaurants near the school.

Had I gone to work, I could have gotten one on the way back, and stopped by the arcade along the way…

The job paid by the day, so I probably would have been able to afford it. 

I wasn’t flat broke, but luxury was off the table until I got paid.

“Guess that’s it, then. I’ll just make some cup noodles.”, I decided to go straight home instead.

I was doing all this for my grades, but why did it feel like I had missed something really important…?

“……”

It felt like I had made a huge mistake somehow.

Like I had just lost something precious.

Did I make the wrong choice today?

“…I’m probably just overthinking it.”

I chuckled to myself and went back home.

◆

I waited and looked around, but Tokiya was nowhere to be found.

There was no sign of him even after I had waited a few hours.

In all the futures I had seen with Vision, there wasn’t one in which Tokiya did not appear.

I had always met him right here.

That’s why I never even considered the idea that I wouldn’t meet him.

But there was never a guarantee that we would always meet in the same way.

In fact, the incident with the killer still hadn’t happened even though it was well past the usual time.

By now it was already clear that things were different this time around.

There must have been some trigger that caused these changes to happen.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

I looked up to see a police officer in front of me. He must have thought I was suspicious for loitering her for the past few hours.

“I’m waiting for someone…”

“And the person you’re waiting for hasn’t come yet?”

“… Yes. He should have been working a part time job around here.”

When the police officer heard that, he walked over to the people handing out tissues in the area. As I watched him wondering what on earth he was doing, he came back with a folder in hand

“What’s the name of the person you’re waiting for?”

“Umm…his name is Kurusu.”

Not good. He was probably already suspicious of me. Now that I was finally out of the house, it would cause me a lot of trouble if he pressed me for details. Worst case he’d force me to go back home.

“Ah, I see his name on today’s shift.”

I felt relief in my chest.

“But apparently something urgent came up and he had to take the day off.”

“What?”

I asked him to let me see the folder, which contained work documents and today’s shift schedule. The word “off” was written in red ink above Tokiya’s name.

“So it looks like he’s not going to be here no matter how long you wait. It’s already late, so go back home.”

“Thank you, I will.”

There was no point in staying here if Tokiya wasn’t coming. I quietly left before the police officer could have any more reason to suspect me.

But where was I supposed to go now?

I couldn’t just go home. That wasn’t where I belonged.

Then where…ah, that was it. I could try going to Tokiya’s house.

One of the work documents I saw in the folder had Tokiya’s address on it. I didn’t memorize the exact address, but I had a rough idea of where it was. If I also relied on what I saw in Vision along with my memories of the previous worlds, I might just make it somehow, even if the memories were faint.

I left the area and headed to Tokiya’s house.

I was able to find my way to the neighborhood I saw in Tokiya’s work document, but still spent a lot of time wandering around because I didn’t remember the exact house.

Aside from the faint memories in my mind that hadn’t quite disappeared, there was hardly anything else to rely on.

The futures I saw with Vision were clearer, but those only showed the parts related to death. I had to call on my lost memories for everything else.

So I walked around, checking every place that looked about right and ignoring the places that seemed wrong.

A few times I found an apartment that might be it, but left disappointed when the name plate at the door didn’t have the name “Kurusu” on it.

I wasn’t even sure if he had a name plate in the first place.

Sometimes I worked up my resolve and knocked on doors, but then people I didn’t recognize came out.

Around the time my mistakes had gone into double digits, I stopped to go through my memories.

Why did I go to Tokiya’s house before?

The memory I was trying to reclaim was faint and ephemeral.

It was a lot like trying to remember a dream from long ago.

But even still, I was able to remember something, perhaps because these memories had remained strongly inside me.

I had come to deliver him lunch.

But why did I do that?

I found my hand reaching for my chest.

There had been a pendant here at some point.

The threads of my memories were connecting.

It was faint enough that had it not been for Vision, I could have dismissed them as memories from a distant dream.

…But what if it really was?

What if it was all just a dream?

What about meeting Tokiya? What if all those days we spent together were just a dream?

Illusions of the future that Vision showed me?

What if the Tokiya I saw in that employment file wasn’t the Tokiya I knew?

There was no way that could be true; I tried to keep my chin up.

But there was no way to verify, because no one remembered the previous worlds.

Not remembering was one thing…but what if none of it had happened in the first place?

Then no one at all would know.

I felt afraid knowing that I was pinning my hopes on something so awfully unreliable.

Terrified, all of a sudden my knees began to buckle.

Terrified, it took everything I had to not collapse on the spot.

Terrified, I tried desperately not to cry.

I never knew myself to be this weak. 

I was no longer the same girl who had lived alone and avoided involvement with anyone.

The very fact that Tokiya wasn’t here terrified me so much that I could barely stand.

But surprisingly, that fear calmed me down.

The fact that I couldn’t stand alone, and the importance of what I was clinging to, was proof that what I felt wasn’t just an illusion.

I have to believe.

That even if the memories in my mind faded, my feelings never would.

Suddenly, I heard some kind of commotion in the distance.

I listened carefully, wondering what was going on.

People were shouting, and a certain possibility floated into my mind.

There was only one thing I can think of that could cause a commotion to occur today.

The killer from before had attacked someone.

It was a different place, but things had already changed today.

I hurried to where the commotion was happening.

Then, suddenly, an image burst into my mind, almost like a vision.

And at the same time, I suddenly felt certain.

This was where Tokiya lived. There was no mistake.

I couldn’t stop my pace from quickening .

Tokiya’s house was in this direction and I was certain he was there.

Tokiya was—

◆

“You’ve gotta be kidding me…”

I pushed my way through the crowd and stood shocked in front of the security tape.

I was looking at the ruins…of my own apartment.

Run down as it was, the apartment had withstood everything and had always been there to welcome me home.

And now it was dripping with water, looking like it was on the verge of collapse. Already half of it had been reduced to cinders.

I saw a familiar face among the crowd, the old landlady.

She confirmed what I saw, that a fire had just been put out. The cause was unknown, so it could have been a careless tenant, or possibly even arson.

The police were going to be doing an onsite inspection soon.

At the very least my room didn’t look too damaged. There were scorch marks, but it hadn’t burned down. If nothing else, my belongings were probably safe…as long as the water damaged wasn’t too bad.

But still, it was clearly not fit to live in.

And since I couldn’t get in the way of the investigation, I was asked to find some other place to stay tonight. I wanted to complain about having nowhere else to go, but the landlady was as much of a victim as I was, so I kept my mouth shut.

But there was no time to go back to my family’s house.

I had no idea what to do now that I found myself suddenly homeless.

But regardless, nothing would come of standing here all day.

I turned around to leave, glancing at the crowd of curious onlookers.

It was only for a moment, but I thought I saw something familiar in the crowd. Not sure what it was, and feeling a little puzzled, I looked into the crowd trying to be sure.

And what I saw was—

◆

 “This can’t be real…”

I was certain it was here, but that faith had been misplaced.

But it wasn’t entirely wrong, because this certainly was Tokiya’s house.

Was.

The building had caught fire and was in terrible shape. It was in no way inhabitable.

My only mistake was thinking that Tokiya was here.

“Um…”

I tried asking someone standing next to me.

“What happened to the people living here?”

“Ah, it’s a good thing no one was hurt or killed.”

A few people had apparently been taken away in an ambulance after inhaling smoke, but they were all elderly.

I felt bad for them, but also relieved that Tokiya was safe.

“Do you know where the uninjured people went? I’m looking for a boy who’s around my age.”

“Let’s see…I don’t really know. If it’s someone you know, why not call them?”

If I could do that, I would have long ago.

But of course I didn’t remember Tokiya’s phone number anymore.

If nothing else though, I was able to confirm that he wasn’t here.

Now then, where could Tokiya have gone?

To a friend’s house? To another part time job?

Even if that were the case, I didn’t know where those places were.

But as far as placed I did know went…

“…There’s always his school.”

◆

Back then, I saw a student from my school in the crowd.

They had the same uniform as me, but it wasn’t like I knew them personally. I couldn’t just ask if I could stay with them.

But it did give me an idea.

That’s right. School.

There was always a teacher on night duty at school, and maybe they’d let me stay in the overnight room if I told them what had happened.

And if they didn’t, I could always sleep in another room. And if that wasn’t possible, then even a classroom would do.

Either way, I decided to go to the school.

I didn’t mind going back to school twice in one day, but hopefully it meant I could get away with not waking up early tomorrow. I tried to keep my spirits up and headed towards the school.

Going to school twice, huh. Somehow I got the feeling that it wasn’t the first time I had done this.

But why…actually, when was it even?

As I was turning those thoughts in my mind, I arrived at the school before I could remember anything.

“Meh, doesn’t matter when it was.”

All club activities were already over by now, so there was no sign of people at school.

Both the teachers and the students had gone home. The only light in the school building came from the overnight room.

Thank goodness. I headed towards the light.

Suddenly, I heard someone call my name.

Turning around, I saw—

◆

Just like with Tokiya’s house, I couldn’t remember where his school was right away. Thankfully it was a lot easier to find a school.

I examined a map that I bought from the convenience store and searched for any familiar names. The fact that there were a limited number of schools was quite convenient.

I felt more certain about my memories of the school compared to before. 

Now that I knew exactly where it was, I decided to call a taxi.

I knew where it was, but not how to get there. Going myself meant possibly getting lost, and more importantly, it would take too much time. So I hailed a cab and showed the driver where I wanted to go on the map.

Sitting in the back seat, I went over what I knew.

I wasn’t sure if Tokiya would be there, but at the same time, I didn’t have anywhere else to go.

I arrived at the school before long and found it dead silent, with both teachers and students having long since gone home. There was a faint light in one of the rooms of the school building. 

If Tokiya was in fact here, then that’s where he had to be.

I made up my mind to go into the building and entered the school grounds,

Then, the school building came into view.

“….Huh?”

For a moment, I felt that something was off.

The Taxi had come to the wrong location. This was in fact the school I was trying to go to.

But I couldn’t wipe away that feeling that something was wrong.

“Excuse me!”

I called out to the taxi right as it was about to leave.

“Where is this…?”

“Huh? It’s the school you wanted to go to.”

I looked down at the map one more time.

And was hit with a shock.

There hadn’t been only one school that had a familiar name.

There was another school that I remembered.

Not only that, this other school left a stronger impression in my memories.

I had gotten confused by this other school in my memories.

Maybe this was a school that I had gone to before. Maybe it was a place that held some memories for me.

But it wasn’t Tokiya’s school.

“I’m sorry, I actually need you to hurry here!”

◆

“Man, what a disaster.”

“No kidding.”

I was grumbling to my classmate, Shinjou.

He was the one who called out to me from the school gate as I was on my way into the building.

Apparently his club activities had ended a bit ago, and he invited me to grab a bite eat.

I considered refusing at first to prioritize finding a place to stay, but somehow I got the feeling that it would be better to go with him. Maybe that was just my empty stomach wanting food over shelter.

We ended up going to a fast food restaurant near where I was supposed to have worked today. It was a ways away from the school, but for some reason I was really crazing these specific burgers.

“I get it, man. I get those days too.”

Shinjou agreed to go saying that it was on the way anyway, but after I ate, I wondered what I even wanted from this place.

The food was cheap, yeah, but not much else. It wasn’t even that good. So why was I so fixed on eating here?

“Sometimes there’s no real reason for these things, you know? Like how I get real cravings for beef bowls for no reason from time to time. You know how adults have days where they just really want to drink? It’s the same thing.”

“Drink—?”

To be honest, I had no idea what alcohol even tasted like. I didn’t drink anything that was more expensive than my usual stuff in the first place.

“If I had money for alcohol, I’d buy two bottles of tea instead.”

“Tea?”

“Hm?”

Shinjou incredulously repeated what I just said.

“Kurusu, I didn’t know you liked tea. It doesn’t match your image somehow.”

“Oh…really?”

I suppose…it didn’t. Why did I mention tea anyway? It wasn’t like I drank it normally. In fact, I drank canned coffee more often, if anything.

“Ah, that was just an example. I’m just saying if I had money for alcohol, I’d buy something else instead.”

Right. There wasn’t any deep meaning to it.

Ah, that’s probably what it was. There was a teashop visible right out of the window, so maybe that’s what was running through my mind when I said that.

“What, you want to go to that teashop?”

Shinjou followed my gaze and considerately asked if I wanted to go.

“…No, it would be a waste of money. I can just get a drink from here if I wanted one”

I raised my ice coffee, and Shinjou laughed in agreement.

That said, there was a small part of me that really did want to go to that teashop. It was just that it felt kind of weird for two guys to visit a trendy place like that.

But it I went…

If I did go…

Who would I find there?

I didn’t have any friends who liked tea, nor any who would visit a place like that.

“Anyway, forget about it. I’d better get back to school soon. The teacher might be gone if I’m too late.”

I decided to go back to the school.

◆

The taxi arrived at the second school.

 This is it.

The moment I arrived, I was certain this was the place.

I had been here before.

I had come here before to see Tokiya.

After paying the fare, I all but leaped out of the taxi.

The total silence was proof that everyone had already left. The only sign of life was the faint light in one of the rooms in the school building.  All of the other classrooms had their lights off, so that was probably an overnight room or something.

It wouldn’t be out of the question Tokiya to ask for help at school since he couldn’t go home.

I entered the school grounds and headed towards the light.

Spurred on by the thought of Tokiya being there, I moved my legs as fast as I could.

Why did I have to be so slow?

But that distance closed before long, and I found myself in full view of the room.

I could see someone inside through the window.

The person must have noticed me, because they approached the window.

“Tokiya—”

“Who is it at this hour?”

The window opened, but the person who spoke wasn’t Tokiya, it didn’t even resemble him. This was a young female teacher.

“Uh…umm…”

“Hm?”

“Is Tokiya with you?”

“Toki…? Oh, do you mean Kurusu?”

“Y-yes!”

“I already did my patrol and there was no one here at school. He must have left a long time ago.”

“………”

I really had a feeling.

That maybe Tokiya would be here.

But that too ended up being wrong.

Vision only showed me futures of death.

It was completely useless at times like this.

“You’re not one of our students, are you? What school do you go to? How do you know Kurusu? And what are you doing here this late anyway?”

Her rapid-fire questions paralyzed me.

She was asking me how I knew Tokiya, but how was I supposed to answer that?

Right now we were total strangers who had never met before.

“Umm…”

I could feel the teacher’s suspicion growing even stronger.

I was afraid this would have a bad effect on Tokiya’s reputation too.

“There was a fire at his apartment building. I’m a neighbor of his…just an acquaintance.”

“A fire? You mean the one on the news? Is this true?”

“Please check his address and you’ll see.”

The teacher looked shaken at my hastily thought up lie, and told me to wait before she left the room.

She was probably going to check the news again.

I took that chance to make my escape.

I was worried about getting dragged into some mess of course, but there was also no point in sticking around if Tokiya wasn’t here.

But where was I supposed to go now?

◆

“Sorry about all this. I really owe you one.”, I thanked Shinjou.

He had invited me to his house when I told him I planned to stay overnight at school.

I wanted to decline at first since Shinjou and I weren’t that close, but quickly changed my mind when I heard it was Kadzuki-sensei on night duty. No way could I spend the night alone with a female teacher.

She’d definitely be mad at me if she knew.

…Who would?

Who did I think would be upset with me?

I didn’t remember having a girlfriend or even a female friend who’d get angry about something like that.

…Maybe I was thinking of the civic guidance teacher.

Because if it wasn’t, imagining a nonexistent girlfriend getting mad at me was pretty sad.

That’s what I decided to go with.

“Don’t make that complicated face. Even if you have to go back, at least take a bath and go to sleep.”

I didn’t exactly have any complicated feelings, but I nodded with a smile.

Shinjou was a good guy. I got the feeling that he and I would get along very well.

Not that I knew that for sure, of course.

“Alright, I’m turning off the lights.”

And so I ended up staying the night in Shinjou’s room.

Suddenly, my phone went off.

It was a number I had never seen before. I picked up, thinking that it could be from the landlady wanting to talk about the fire, but it turned out to be Kadzuki-sensei.

I wondered for a moment where she even got my number, but then I realized someone must have had told her. She even knew about the fire at my apartment.

She sounded relieved when I said I was alright. I guess I shouldn’t have worried whether I would have been allowed to stay the night at school.

“So where are you now?”

“My classmate Shinjou let me stay at his house.”

“I see. In which case you should stay with him for the night.”

“I will. Umm if it’s alright, can I stay at school overnight for a while starting tomorrow?”

“Right, given the circumstances, I don’t see why not. I’ll make sure to tell the other teachers.”

“Thanks.”

“Also, one of your neighbors came to the school earlier.”

“My neighbor?”

I couldn’t think of anyone who’d do that. I knew pretty much no one in my neighborhood.

I asked if it was the landlady, but Kadzuki-sensei said it was a girl around my age. Apparently she had disappeared before she could get a chance to ask her name.

Ah what a waste—though I knew she would be upset if she know what I was thinking.

…Who would, again?

I couldn’t think of anyone.

What was going on?

Why did I keep thinking of someone who wasn’t here?

I wasn’t delusional, and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t that frustrated. I was just tired for sure. So much had happened today that it was hard to deal with.

It was about time I went to sleep.

◆

Left with nowhere else to go, I decided to stay at a 24 hour fast food restaurant, the one Tokiya and I were supposed to go to together.

But I couldn’t find him anywhere.

Looking out the window, I saw that the tea shop had long since closed for the day.

The arcade was still open though, so I had looked around thinking that maybe Tokiya was still there, but of course he wasn’t.

Meeting Tokiya was one of my most treasured memories.

And now it never happened.

But that wasn’t what made me feel so despondent

What made me the most depressed was probably that I had no information about him.

I knew which school he went to though. Maybe I’d see him tomorrow if I went there.

It wasn’t like I had other options. All of my meetings with him were at his part time job, and that wasn’t an option anymore.

But if I could see him, then that was enough. That was all I needed.

I suddenly felt relieved, and at the same time, incredibly sleepy.

Tomorrow I would finally reunite with Tokiya.

I could practically see him in my mind.

“Tokiya…”, I his name aloud

I felt like crying.

◆

—Tokiya…

I thought I heard someone call my name.

Who was it?

The voice sounded familiar, but I couldn’t remember who it belonged to.

—Tokiya…

I definitely knew this voice.

But for some reason I couldn’t remember a face. I couldn’t remember a name.

Even though I should have absolutely known.

Even though I absolutely had to know.

I couldn’t remember.

—Tokiya…

I felt my chest tighten.

Why couldn’t I remember whose voice this was?

When it was so critically important.

When I was never supposed to forget it.

—Tokiya…

I felt anxious.

I wanted to go to them right this second.

I had to go.

But.

I didn’t know who it was.

I didn’t know where they were.

Who?

Who was it?

Where were they?

Why was I crying—?

“—Ah!”

I was shaken awake by my vibrating phone.

It felt like I had just been dreaming, but I couldn’t remember what the dream about.

But for some reason I felt my chest still tight with a faint sense of panic.

Why was this happening?

Why did I feel like this?

…Well, it wasn’t like this hadn’t happened before.

I always felt irritated when I was just on the cusp of remembering my dreams.

More importantly, I had to turn off this phone alert before Shinjou woke up.

But it turned out not to be an alarm, but an incoming message.

I stared at the screen and saw…

◆

I left the fast food restaurant the next morning and went to Tokiya’s school to watch students as they came in.

Some of them looked at me suspiciously while I stood next to the school gate, but I paid them no mind.

I couldn’t afford to be self-conscious now.

But even after waiting for some time, Tokiya still didn’t appear.

What was I supposed to do now?

Could he have possibly gone to class before I arrived?

I didn’t know if he slept at a friend’s house, or a hotel, or somewhere else last night, but it was always possible that he went to school early.

Or maybe the teacher from last night told him about my visit and he decided to stay away from school just in case.

Should have stayed at the school instead of leaving yesterday?

As I ruminated over my thoughts, I noticed a familiar face heading my way.

I remembered him.

This was Tokiya’s friend. If I remembered right, his name was…something. I couldn’t remember, but that didn’t matter.

I called to get his attention.

“Hm?”

He looked puzzled, but still stopped to talk to me.

“Um…do you know where Tokiya is?”

“Tokiya…oh, you mean Kurusu? I’m guessing you know about the fire yesterday?”

I nodded.

His friend seemed to know about the fire. Maybe Tokiya had stayed with him last night.

“He stayed over at my house last night.”

Thought so.

“But he left early this morning.”

“So he’s at school?”

“No, he left for home.”

Home? So he went back to see his ruined apartment?

I immediately turned around to go back.

But Shinjou stopped me.

“Not that, he went back to his parent’s house.”

“Huh?”

“Apparently his mom collapsed. Apparently she became extremely anxious after learning about the fire yesterday. Tokiya said he was going back home for a bit.”

“Do you know where…his home is?”

“Sorry, I don’t.”

“When…will he be back?”

“Couldn’t tell you. But he’s probably going to be there for a while. He said his parents didn’t want him living alone in the first place and that they might actually make him transfer.

“N-no way…”

◆

“What a pain, why’d she have to do all that?”, I grumbled to myself.

Kadzuki-sensei had taken it upon herself to call my parents and tell them I had permission to sleep at school.

I was glad she was being considerate, but in this case all it did was cause me problems.

I hadn’t told my parents about the house fire, so obviously they were pretty mad at me.

“Why didn’t you tell us! We were so shocked when we heard. You should have said something!”

According to Kadzuki-sensei, my mom fainted while still on the phone.

When I called in a panic, my mom, who I thought had fainted, picked up. I was relieved when it turned out to be nothing more than a dizzy spell, but then she started crying because I didn’t tell her, and my dad got angry at me.

But it wasn’t like I didn’t think of my parents at all. It’s just that I wasn’t injured, and didn’t want to make them worry for no reason.

Shinjou, who had heard their voices from the receiver commented that I had nice parents..

Embarrassed, I waved it away saying they were just normal, but honestly, I thought they were great parents. I was living away right now, but it wasn’t like our relationship was bad. If anything, it was good.

Having parents who cried and got angry for my sake was something to be happy about.

Because in the end, there were parents who ostracized their children, and kept them hidden away like criminals.

“………”

 Who was I thinking of just now?

Did I know someone who had parents like that?

No, I was just overthinking. That kind of stuff happened all the time.

I heard about parents abusing and mistreating their children all the time on the news.

But more importantly, I had other things on my mind right now, most especially the fact that I had to go back to my parent’s house.

They had asked me to come home temporarily, threatening to come to me if I didn’t go to them. And once my teacher also told me to see them and show them I was okay, it was out of my hands.

Of course going home temporarily just meant a lucky break from school, but that probably wasn’t how it was going to.

My parents were originally against me living alone.

There was a good chance that they would insist on me moving back home because of this incident. Actually, it wasn’t just a chance, that was definitely going to happen.

Worst case I’d end up having to transfer.

Shinjou said it was a shame, but I wanted to avoid leaving this town if at all possible.

But I couldn’t quite explain why…

In the past I would have said that I didn’t want to go back to the countryside where my parents lived, but it was different now. There was another reason.

But even if I didn’t know exactly why, I knew for sure that I wanted to stay here no matter what.

I was getting the feeling that it would be all over if I left.

…What would be over?

Once again, I didn’t know.

Maybe it was just that I had gotten attached to this town and its people after all this time.

But at any rate, that’s how I ended up having to go back home.

Shinjou’s parents let me borrow some money so I was good to leave at any time, but first I wanted to see how my old apartment was doing.

I didn’t have any money there, but maybe there were other important things left.

I couldn’t quite remember what exactly, but maybe I’d find something if I searched anyway.

There had to be something there.

That’s why I had to go—that was the feeling I got.

◆

Tokiya wasn’t at his apartment nor was he at school.

I couldn’t think of any other place he could be.

Did he already go back home?

I tried looking for him in places where he might be hoping to run into him somewhere,  but was shocked and dismayed by the fact that I only knew two places to check.

Was that how shallow our connection was?

I found myself making my way towards the place he and I first met.

What if Tokiya remembered me and was waiting for me there?

That was the faint wish in my heart.

Even though there was no way he’d be there.

And as expected, he wasn’t.

Why couldn’t I meet him?

Did I come on the wrong day?

Did I come at the wrong time?

Did I come to the wrong place?

Was the future I saw with Vision a lie?

No. It couldn’t have been a lie.

Because I could still remember. The memories of my first encounter with Tokiya remained firmly in my heart.

“Firmly…”

The word sounded empty when I said it.

The one thing that connected Tokiya and I were the memories of our first meeting.

But relying on my memories hadn’t been enough to see him again.

The precious memories in my heart were this ephemeral and unreliable.

I believed I could meet him.

Even though I had no reason to.

I had believed, without doubting for even a moment.

If I could go back, I wanted to go back to yesterday.

Then I would search for Tokiya more seriously.

I’d get to our meeting place, a few minutes, or even a few seconds faster. If he wasn’t there, then I’d rush straight to his apartment or his school, to Tokiya…

Suddenly I came to my senses.

My own thoughts just now shocked me. 

This was the first time I had ever wanted to go back.

I wasn’t supposed to think like this now that going back was actually possible.

Had I not learned anything at all?

I was just as foolish now as I had been in the past.

“I…”

Suddenly I realized that I had no idea where I was. I had been deep in thought this whole time.

I looked around to get my bearings.

“This is…”

I was deep into an alleyway off the main road.

A small old shop stood in front of me. Its sign said—“Tsukumodo Antique Shop.”

This hadn’t been at all intentional.

My feet had naturally led me here.

As if this was where I had meant to go all along.

I put my shaking hand on the door, took a deep breath, and pushed it open.

It was dim, poorly lit shop that looked as old inside as it did outside.

The shelves were haphazardly stocked with pendants, dolls, clocks, stones, tableware, and all manner of other things.

This really was Tsukumodo Antique Shop.

But one difference was—

“Welcome. Are you searching for something?”

The person who said this was the woman I saw with Vision, the one who gave Tokiya Phantom.

“But you won’t find what you’re looking for, Saki-chan.”

And the one who spoke next was—Towako-san.

That was one difference; both of the shop owner were together.

But there was also another difference.

Towako-san acknowledged that this wasn’t our encounter.

That was probably the first time that had ever happened.

What did that mean?

And her words just now…

You won’t find what you’re looking for—

I was sure Towako-san knew full well what her words meant.

She knew exactly what I was looking for.

Before I could say anything, she continued harshly.

“You will never be able to see Tokiya again.”

◆

“Oh man”, I began organizing my belongings with a great big sigh.

It felt less like organizing, and more like excavating.

Fortunately my apartment was on the other side of the building from the fire, so besides a few scorch marks, must of my belongings were spared from the flames. Unfortunately, they were also drenched in the water the fire brigade used to put out the fire. 

Things were a little drier now that some time had passed, but barely anything was still usable. Even if none of it was expensive, these were still the belongings that supported my daily existence. I couldn’t exactly just go on without them.

The problem wasn’t just finding a new place to live; I had to replace all of my belongings too, and all of that cost money. Way more money than my threadbare wallet could afford, anyway.

I was hoping insurance would pay out, but if that didn’t work, then I’d have no choice but to ask my parents to loan me some money. Going by how they were on the phone though, there was little chance of that. If anything, they’d have even more reason to drag me back home.

“Unbelievable. What a disaster!” Unable to hold back my irritation, I kicked a soot covered.

But the pillar was a lot weaker than I thought; it cracked and began leaning dangerously, threatening to collapse the ceiling into the room.

“Woah!”

I screamed and leapt out of the way.

A moment later the pillar succumbed to the weight and broke, bringing down a crossbeam that crashed onto the floor.

“That was close…”

I wiped away my sweat and went back into the room. It was really looking like I’d be caught up in my old apartment’s collapse if I lingered too long.

No point in staying if there was nothing here.

But the second that thought crossed my mind, I noticed a chest sitting in the room that had just collapsed.

“Did I have a chest like that?”

It was a relatively clean chest that had neither burn marks from the fire, nor any sign of damage from the water. I was pretty sure it wasn’t even here when I was searching the room just now.

It was almost like the box appeared out of thin air a moment ago.

“I must have just overlooked it.” I waved away my doubts and brought it closer to me.

The chest’s lid was connected by a hinge. On its face, a series of fourteen small dials in a straight row. Looked like some kind of combination lock.

I had no idea what the combination was supposed to be, but the lid swing open anyway, as if it had never been locked in the first place.

So it was sitting here without the combination set? Kind of pointless if you ask me.

When I looked at the numbers more carefully, I noticed that the first eight matched today’s date exactly. The remaining six seemed to be…the time?

Okay, so this chest had some kind of mechanism that only opened when it was the right time? Hah, yeah, right. No way that kind of thing could exist. It had to be a coincidence.

“More importantly, let’s take a look inside.”

I opened the chest.

I was hoping to find something to sell, but it turned out there were only a bunch of random things in there. I don’t know what I was expecting anyway, not like I’d have anything worth selling…

At any rate, I picked up the notebook closest to my hand. It had a lot of text crammed neatly into its pages. There wasn’t even a single doodle. I had never in my life used a notebook so seriously.

Was this really mine? I flipped back to the very first page.

On the first page.

Of all the words on the page, there was one in particular that caught my eye first.

—“Saki.”

◆

“Do you know who I am?”, Towako-san quietly asked me.

“Yes. I saw you before with Vision.”, I answered honestly.

Towako-san nodded understandingly.  

“This insane loop should have ended the last time.”

It was just as she said, I had resolved to put an end to the repeating worlds. That’s why it really should have ended with the last time.

“But Tokiya couldn’t accept that, and so the world went back again.”

I didn’t know what happened after I died.

But if the world had turned back, then I couldn’t think of any other possibility.

Tokiya had turned back the world again.

I couldn’t claim to understand the feelings of those left behind.

But I did know that it couldn’t have been an easy decision.

Tokiya had worried, anguished, and had only then chosen to turn back the world.

“Tokiya is no longer able to end this himself. He will always continue to turn back the world when you die. Forever.”

Forever—the word constricted my chest.

I was the one who said Tokiya was released from his obligation to me.

But despite that, I still went searching for him.

The thought that I couldn’t meet him made my desire for him that much stronger.

I turned my eyes away from what that meant.

What on earth was I doing?

Was I just repeating the same mistakes?

It was like a fever had receded as my sense of reason returned.

“You chose to put an end to everything, and I want to believe in that. I have no choice but to do this.”

“What do you mean?”

“Saki-chan, I want you to spend the rest of your life here. I know they you were confined to your home before. This time you’ll be confined here, in Tsukumodo Antique Shop.”

She was saying I would be like a caged bird.

“I will do everything to keep you safe from the death that fate has in store for you.”

But I was sure that somehow or another, fate would come to kill me.

The same way it had been until now.

That’s why there’s no way Towako-san could have thought this was an actual solution.

“But I might not be able to protect you all the same. That’s why I have insurance.”

This insurance was probably what Towako-san really wanted to talk about.

“As long as Tokiya doesn’t meet you, he will have no reason to turn back the world.”

Ah, so that’s what it was.

Now it all made sense.

This was the reason I couldn’t meet him.

“I have Labyrinth with me. Its power will make Tokiya unable to reach you, and you unable to reach him.”

This was what Towako-san really meant when she said this was her only option left.

“That’s why you will never be able to see Tokiya again…”

◆

I couldn’t believe what was written in the notebook.

To summarize, it went a little like this:

This notebook was a special item called a Relic. Anything written in it would not be forgotten until it was erased. In addition, I was in a possession of a Relic called Phantom that turned back the world, and that I lost my memories every time it happened.

I knew what this was.

I knew exactly what was written in this notebook.

I was able to remember every word and sentence of the text here.

It was…

“…like some kind of fantasy.”

That was my first impression.

I didn’t remember trying to be an author though. I had no idea when I had written this, but seeing that the handwriting was mine, and I could remember the content, I must have written it myself.

I didn’t feel anything while reading it, but maybe there was a time where I was into this kind of stuff.

One of the frequent characters in particular was named “Maino Saki.”

I knew this name.

Of course I did, I had made up the name and wrote it in the notebook, after all.

But I had no idea what she looked like because there were no illustrations in the story.

Honestly though, if a notebook that let you remember things permanently really existed, it would be pretty useful for studying for tests.

“………”

What was that? Something came to mind just now.

Notebook…studying for tests…what about it?

Something about that bothered me.

But I didn’t know what.

It irritated me that I couldn’t figure it out.

I couldn’t remember something that was just on the edge of my memory.

“Well…if I can’t remember, maybe it wasn’t all that important in the first place. What else is in here…”

I waved my thoughts away and looked back into the box.

There was also a pretty leaf that shined the colors of the rainbow.

I picked it up.

Suddenly my vision was enveloped in light.

“Wha-?”

As I stood shocked, what appeared in front of me was…me.

I said the same things that the notebook had said.

Relics, Tsukumodo Antique Shop, Phantom, Settsu Towako, and finally, Maino Saki.

Remember.

Remember, I heard myself implore.

When I came back to reality, I was back in my run-down apartment.

“What was that just now?”

The leaf I had just touched didn’t look any different. Was this thing the reason I had that strange vision? I had no idea what kind of trick this was, but it felt unpleasant.

But somehow…that light felt familiar for some reason.

And if I was the one who originally put this leaf into the box, I suppose it would have to be at least somewhat familiar.

Satisfied with that explanation, I moved to close the lid.

But my hand stopped.

As if it was refusing to continue.

My own body, my own will was refusing.

This wasn’t just a matter of it seeming familiar.

I was getting the feeling that the words I heard in the light contained something hugely important.

Something I should never forget.

It was beyond irritating.

The only thing I remembered was the fact that there was something that I absolutely had to remember. But I didn’t know what.

What was I forgetting?

What was it that I had to remember?

The me inside the light told me to remember. He told me all those things.

But despite that, I didn’t know what any of it meant.

Relics, Tsukumodo Antique Shop, Phantom, Settsu Towako, and finally, Maino Saki.

What did these things mean to me?

I remembered the words themselves.

But I couldn’t understand what they meant—I couldn’t remember.

It was irritating, aggravating, and unpleasant all at the same time.

If I pretended that I saw none of this, it would be so much easier.

But I couldn’t bring myself to.

My own heart wouldn’t allow it.

But why? Why was that?

I wondered if there was anything else, something to give me a definite answer to these memories.

Then, I noticed something in the corner of the chest.

I reached out to touch it and…

Suddenly, a painful noise rushed through the back of my mind—

◆

There were times where I thought that maybe not seeing Tokiya was for the best.

But not once have I ever not wanted to see him.

I can’t see Tokiya—

The reality of Towako-san’s words weighed heavily on me.

However…

This was a choice that I had already made before.

I was the one who chose to end things. No one else but me.

Towako-san had believed in me, and like she said, this was probably the best possible decision.

Tokiya was sure to turn everything back.

The world would turn back every time I died.

I wasn’t supposed to see him.

I absolutely couldn’t be allowed to see him.

That was the only answer.

That’s why.

I could no longer meet Tokiya—

◆

There was once a girl.

Who said she wanted to die.

Who said there was no value in protecting her.

That everyone wanted to see her die.

That she had nothing.

But she also said this.

That she wanted to die a little less.

And so, because I believed her feelings were genuine.

And so that her words wouldn’t become a lie.

I chose to save her.

But I couldn’t save her.

She said she didn’t want to die.

I believed that these were her true feelings.

That’s why I saved her.

Using a great power beyond what man was meant to handle.

I never regretted that choice.

There were times where I felt weak.

And even times when I was about to give up.

Times when I ended up averting my eyes.

But I never abandoned her.

I couldn’t abandon her.

Because I—

—I loved Maino Saki.

◆

It hurt.

My chest hurt.

Bitter anguish

I was no longer able to meet Tokiya—

Just the thought was enough to make my chest ache.

It hurt to be apart.

My chest—my heart, felt like it was being constricted.

If I had never met Tokiya, I would have had to feel like this.

If I had just died on that day, I would have been spared this pain.

However.

I didn’t think that would have been better.

I didn’t think that this pain was unnecessary.

Because after all.

This pain was proof that Tokiya was on my mind—

They were here.

My heart, my feelings, and my thoughts were all unquestionably here.

My heart, which had broken after witnessing so much death.

My feelings, which I had lost after everyone abandoned me.

My thoughts of resignation after knowing of my fate.

He had shined like a brilliant light over me, who had forgotten how to even laugh. He allowed me to have them back. He gave me everything back.

My heart that cried when I thought of him.

My feelings that longed to be with him.

My strong thoughts that would defy even fate for him.

And finally the overflowing memories that my small heart couldn’t contain.

It was going to be alright. It was going to be alright for sure.

I had memories of Tokiya with me.

With these, I was sure I could keep living—

◆

I bolted out of the door.

How I could I have forgotten?

How could I have not remembered?

Even if it was because of Phantom’s power, I should have never forgotten.

Had she come to meet me?

I was certain she had.

But despite that, I hadn’t gone to meet here.

Where was she?

Where was she now?

The first place I went was school.

I cut through the school grounds where students were in the middle of PE, and ran through the building before I burst into the classroom.

My classmates looked at me wondering what on earth was happening.

But I didn’t mind, and pressed Kadzuki-sensei, who was standing at the lectern, for an answer.

“Kurusu-kun? I thought you want back home…”

“Sensei, where is she?”

“She? Who are…”

“You said someone had come to see me, right!?”

There was no doubt about it. That had been Saki.

“Yes, but like I said, she left before I had noticed…”

Kadzuki-sensei’s was stumbling on her words. She seemed confused by my threatening attitude.

“Where did she go?”

“I-I don’t know…”

“Shit!” I kicked the lectern in anger.

“Kurusu!” I heard Shinjou call my name from the back of the classroom.

“There was a girl who came to see you this morning.”

“Where did she go?”

“I told her that you went back home, so she went that way.” Shinjou pointed to a direction, but that was way too vague.

“Did she not go back home?”

Back home? Where? Did she even have anywhere to return?

I doubted she went back to her house. So if there was anywhere for her to return…for her to return…a place?

—There was one.

There was one place she could go back to.

There was only one place she could go back to.

“Thanks, Shinjou.”

“Wait a minute, Kurusu…”

I ignored Kadzuki-sensei trying to stop me, and ran out of the school.

She must have gone to the place we first met, but I hadn’t been there.

She had gone to the apartment where I lived, but I hadn’t been there.

She had gone to the school I attended, but I hadn’t been there.

We should have met by now.

We should have met at that place.

But for some reason we hadn’t.

Perhaps the fact that we couldn’t meet in the same way meant there was some other special power at work.

But that wasn’t all.

It wasn’t just this meeting.

We had been moving past each other.

We had always been moving past each other.

I had thought that we truly understood one another.

But that wasn’t true.

There was no way we could have understood each other by averting our eyes from the truth.

And unless we faced it head on, all we would do is continue moving past one another.

That’s why.

I had to see her.

I had to say it.

No matter what kind of power got in the way—

No matter how things ended up—

◆

There was something I realized—that I was forced to realize.

I was able to remember Tokiya.

Even if it was bitter, even if it was painful, even if it caused me anguish, I was able to think of Tokiya.

However.

—I was nowhere inside Tokiya.

I was nowhere in Tokiya’s life.

Not one part of me was.

There was no place for me in the world that Tokiya would live from now one.

Why was it that I had gone to Tokiya time and time again?

Why was it that, even though I knew it was wrong,  I kept going to meet Tokiya?

It was only now that it felt like I understood?

It wasn’t to finally say goodbye. It wasn’t that I only wanted to die after I met Tokiya.

All I wanted was for some trace of me to remain inside him.

If I didn’t meet him, then I wouldn’t exist for him.

He wouldn’t remember me.

He wouldn’t feel pained about me.

Tokiya would never remember, and I would end up disappearing.

That was unbearably sad.

That’s why if only I could get one look…

—No, stop that.

Stop that. Just stop thinking. I must not think about this.

But I couldn’t stop.

My desires were so deep, and I so sinful that I couldn’t live without hope.

My small heart was weak and fragile.

Even though I had made my resolve, I was wavering.

But I couldn’t erase my memories.

These overflowing memories in my heart couldn’t be stopped with my will alone.

Stop it.

Stop thinking.

Stop remembering.

I’ll want to be with him.

I won’t be able to stay away from him.

I won’t be able to say goodbye.

So I have to stop.

And even though I should.

Even though I know this.

Even still—

“—I want to see him again.”

◆

I ran.

My legs did not stop.

But my doubts also didn’t stop.

I knew exactly where to go.

But at the same time, I began to feel uneasy.

Towako-san had tried to put an end to everything.

Saki also said she wanted to end it.

I was the only one who couldn’t let it end.

Even if I went to Tsukumodo now and was able to meet her, would that change anything?

What if—

Saki never came to the place where we first met?

What if she was looking for me in order to say her final goodbye?

What if she wanted to see me one last time before ending it?

Was this the right thing to do?

Was it right of me to go see Saki?

Was that not repeating the same mistakes we’d made until now?

Did anyone at all wish for this?

Was I going to cause her to suffer all over again?

My resolve was weakening.

I didn’t know how to save Saki.

There was no such thing as a world where everyone could be happy.

Nothing would change in this world that repeated again and again.

So what could I do?

What could I do after I saw her again?

I had no answers.

What was I supposed to do—?

◆

“Towako-san, please put an end to this.”

“Saki…chan…?”

“Tokiya hasn’t met me yet, so he probably won’t turn back the world.”

“Tokiya won’t meet as long as I have Labyrinth. That’s why…”

“Even still, I may end up leaving to see him.”

Maybe I’d destroy Labyrinth. Maybe I’d steal it. Maybe I’d find some other way. 

I would obstinately look for Tokiya no matter what.

That was my weakness. My fragility.

No matter how strong my resolve was, I could never win against these feelings.

I couldn’t simply accept it, like the puppet girl who asked for her beloved to say her name ten times before she perished.

What awaited her was death, so maybe that’s why she could stand it.

If I knew Tokiya would weep at the thought of me, then maybe this would be more bearable.

But right now, I just didn’t have it in me to endure.

Tokiya…I want to see you. I want to see you…

And that was exactly why…

“Please end me. Right here and right now.”

Towako-san closed her eyes for a moment, and when she opened them again, there was a hard resolve.

She raised her hand to my neck.

She didn’t try to use a Relic.

Not because she hated to use Relics, but because she wanted to take my life with her own two hands.

Towako-san was far too kind.

I’m sorry for forcing you to go along with my selfishness.

But I knew I would have kept trying to live.

That’s why I implored her.

I asked for Towako-san to be the one to end me.

“I’m sorry…for not being able to do anything.”

She slowly tightened her grip around my neck.

I could feel my consciousness getting blurry.

What came to mind was of course Tokiya’s face. Tokiya’s figure. Everything, Tokiya.

Tokiya. Please be happy.

Take back the happiness that I stole from you…

—Saki!

It felt like I heard a voice.

I could finally hear his voice in the end…thank…goodness.

Suddenly—

Bang, the door burst open.

Reflexively I opened my eyes to look.

Towako-san’s grip loosened.

There in the doorway, I saw—

Was this a dream?

An illusion?

My eyes were filled with tears.

My voice filled with his name.

Desire filled in my chest and rushed me to Tokiya’s side.

My words and resolve from earlier were all gone now.

Tokiya didn’t wait for me and ran towards me.

Labyrinth would prevent me from reaching Tokiya.

Labyrinth would prevent Tokiya from reaching me.

But I still leapt.

Into Tokiya’s arms.

To the place that I had wanted to be all this time.

I grabbed Tokiya, clung to him, never wanting to let him go again.

His arm wrapped around me and hugged me so tight that I could barely breath.

And with just that, my heart was satisfied.

I wouldn’t even mind dying enveloped in this feeling.

◆

“Tokiya…why are you here…?

Towako-san’s eyes were went wide, like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

She obviously wanted to ask what on earth I did to make it here.

If I was able to come here despite whatever measures she took—if I had been able to make it to Saki, then it meant that my scheme had worked.

“Labyrinth cannot stop me from reaching Saki, and it cannot stop Saki from reaching me.”

“What?”

“That’s what I wrote on a scrap from Grimoire.”

Meet Saki and Towako-san.

Involve myself with Relics.

Return to Tsukumodo Antique Shop.

I believed I could do it all over again.

Same as always.

I thought that things would never change.

And though I had no proof whatsoever, I stupidly still believed.

Even if I always forgot that I had ever believed in the first place.

It was only in the previous world that I realized the truth and became afraid. That was when I had waited for Towako-san at Tsukumodo.

She had obtained the one thing that could put a stop to this, Grimoire, but what if not even that was enough to stop the loops? What could she do? What method would she use to stop me next?

That’s what was on my mind as I waited for Towako-san that day.

And the conclusion I came to was that she would try to use Labyrinth to stop Saki and I from reaching other, just like had done when she tried to kill Saki the day before.

I believed her best chance was to stop us from ever meeting in the first place.

That’s why I tore off a scrap from the proof of Towako-san’s hesitation, the page of grimoire she had torn, used it to write a countermeasure for labyrinth.

“But why do you have that now?”

“I used Chest.”

I had used Chest before the world turned back,

I put everything I could think of from Tsukumodo Antique shop into it, and sent it into the past.

I set it to the day after Saki and I met, figuring it would be a good backup plan in case we didn’t see each other.

The old woman who had used Chest before, Yashiki, had used it to hide a child. It was likely that there was also a child inside Chest right now. In other words, there were two different Chest’s in the same time period. I had no idea if this would work, so it was something of a gamble.

A gamble that I won.

“But you shouldn’t have been able to remember. Even if you remembered some fragments, Phantom should have erased everything. So why…what did you put into Chest?”

“Notebook. I filled it as thoroughly as possible with everything I could think of. Then I put just as many memories into Kotonoha.”

I told myself about Relics, Tsukumodo Antique Shop, Phantom. Towako-san, as well as about Saki and the choice that I made.

“And that was enough for you to remember?”

“No, it wasn’t.”

All the words in Notebook, and all the memories in Kotonoha were nothing more than words to me, who had lost my memories.

I understood the contents, but nothing else.

In fact, I thought it was just some kind of crazy story that I had cooked up at some point.

None of it was enough to bring back all of my memories.

“What caused you to remember then?”

“It was this.”

I pulled something out of my pocket.

Towako-san frowned when she saw it, as if it made no sense at all.

But when Saki saw it, her eyes went wide in surprise.

—It was a pendant.

A perfectly ordinary pendant, nothing more than a present that I had given to Saki.

But even still.

It had value to just me and Saki.

It was something that held our memories.

That was what had finally allowed me to remember—to take back my memories.

This pendant was bound Saki and I together.

Or perhaps the truth was that I had always remembered all the things that had happened until now.

But I had given up on thinking about it.

I had never doubted my “visions of the future”, the remnants of a future that no longer existed.

I had never tried to understand why Towako-san always said that Relics led only to misfortune.

I had never thought about why Saki was such a huge part of my life even though we had only known each other for a year.

So many hints, and I had overlooked all of them.

That’s why I couldn’t realize.

And that’s why I never tried to communicate with myself after the world turned back.

Perhaps in some part of my heart, I had already given up.

I had given up on this world that kept repeating without end.

But that was wrong.

I was able to remember.

I was able to convey my thoughts.

I was able to change the world.

A single pendant had created a miracle to rival any Relic.

No, in fact, I could probably say this:

In our world there are objects called ‘Relics’.

Although they may appear to be antiques or fine works of art, they can be tools with special powers created by mighty ancients or magicians, or objects that have absorbed their owners’ grudges or natural spiritual powers after long exposure.

But that’s not all they were.

Those weren’t the original forms of Relics

Those were the false forms of Relics after people corrupted them.

By absorbing people’s strong feelings, an ordinary tool could become a Relic and create miracles.

That was probably what Relics originally were.

That’s why.

This was not just an ordinary pendant.

It was a true Relic that had the power to bring Saki and I together.

◆

“…So what do you plan to do now?”

Towako-san’s cold tone resounded in my ears and throughout Tsukumodo.

“Now that you’re here, are you going to turn the world back? Are you going to do whatever you want, ignoring the world, Saki’s resolve, and everything else?”

She was right. Nothing would be solved like this.

But Tokiya’s actions were absolutely not in vain.

Because thanks to him, I was able to regain the resolve in my heart.

That’s why I pulled myself away from Tokiya’s arms.

“Tokiya, let’s end…”

“Listen, Saki.”, Tokiya interrupted me before I could finish.

“What if there could be a world where we could be happy and not cause anyone problems. Would you still want to end things with your death?”

“………”

That would be a dream come true.

The kind of fairy tale dream that anyone would wish for.

I knew full well that there no world in which I could live happily without burdening others.

But still…

“Yes, it would be lovely if such a world existed.”, I replied. “If such a world existed, I wouldn’t even dream of anything it.”

I said the words that Tokiya and I wanted to believe in.

If such a world really existed, then I’d want to stay forever.

However…

“Such a world does not exist.”, Towako-san cut in.

“It seems you’ve forgotten, so let me remind you. Don’t think you can stay in the dream world of Censor or inside the Oblivion Jar. Phantom will consider that to be a kind of death, and will turn back the world unconditionally.”

That’s right. There truly existed no world like what Tokiya was describing.

“That’s why, Tokiya…”

“I’m going to release Phantom’s power.”

I looked up at Tokiya.

I could hear Towako-san gulp.

“I’m its owner, and therefore I can release its power. Isn’t that right?”

It wasn’t Towako-san, but the other woman who nodded to confirm.

Tokiya gently put his hand on my chest.

“————!”

I heard a dull thump from my chest.

The thumping continued with the regularity of a beating drum.

I felt a heat in the core of my chest.

It was a strong feeling, like all of the heat in my body had been focused at one point.

“Ah!”

It felt like something was bursting out of my chest.

And then, the base of a clock hand literally did burst out of my chest.

Tokiya grabbed it.

“Bear with it, if you can.”, Tokiya said and pulled on the needle.

Phantom cleanly slid out with no resistance. It didn’t hurt, but I was hit by this uncomfortable sensation that something was being pulled out of my body.

Tokiya pulled the rest of it out in one go.

“Ah!” I gasped.

The needle was completely out of my chest now and its tip was visible.

I stumbled, and supported myself on Tokiya’s open arm before I could collapse.

“Are you alright?”

“…Yeah.”, I somehow managed to answer in between ragged breaths.

The needle had come out of my chest, but there didn’t seem to be a hole. Not even one drop of blood had spilled.

“One of Phantom’s conditions was that a person could only be made into a trigger once. Phantom can never be used with Saki again, and the world will not turn back the next time she dies.”

Tokiya boldly proclaimed to Towako-san.

“Why are you making that face? This is what you wanted, isn’t it, Towako-san?”

I couldn’t see Towako-san’s face from where I was.

But knowing her, I was sure her face was warped in grief.

Perhaps she was the one who felt the most guilt of anyone.

“…You’re right. I’m glad you made a decision.”

Being so close to Tokiya, I felt him shake.

“You feel a lot better now, don’t you, Towako-san?”

“………”

“This was the conclusion you planned for, wasn’t it Towako-san?”

“………”

“You’re so glad it finally happened, aren’t you, Towako-san?”

“What other choice was there!?”

Towako-san shouted, unable to endure Tokya’s angry criticism any longer.

“…Why don’t you come up with a better solution!?”

Her voice was angry, but it ringed with sadness.

The shop went quiet for a moment before Tokiya responded.

“I believe…there were another ways.”

He specifically said there were.

“For example, even if Phantom chose me, I should have never received it. That is Sekka-san’s sin.”

The other woman in the room, Sekka-san, did not deny it.

“When the world started turning back through Phantom, you continued to save until I became unable to give up. That is Towako-san’s sin.”

Towako-san too, did not deny it.

“None of this would have ever happened had you not wished for death. That is Saki’s sin.”

I couldn’t even begin to deny it.

“Then what is your sin? Being unable to give up and turning back the world again and again?”

“No.”

Tokiya denied it. He rejected the notion that it was a sin.

“My sin was that I forgot everything.”

Suddenly, a noise like distortion ran across my vision—

This was a vision of the future through Vision.

And what I saw was—

“No, stop…!”

I came back to reality, but before I could stop him—

—Tokiya plunged Phantom into his own chest.

◆

My sin.

It was that I had forgotten the sin I committed.

It was that I had lived and kept turning back the world, having no idea of the suffering I caused Saki and Towako-san.

That was why I had to always remember.

To remember everything that I had done in this world.

I had to turn back the world not from the point in time where my memories were lost, but from a time where I already knew everything.

That was why I took Phantom from Saki.

That was why I plunged it into my own chest.

I offered my life to Phantom and died once. That is to say,  I was the owner of Phantom and had become the trigger to turn back the world.

From this loop onward.

Because the world would always return to the point where I knew everything.

I came back to my senses.

True, I had become the trigger to turn back the world with my death.

But now I had Saki, Towako-san, and Sekka-san with me, along with my memories—all of my memories.

Never again would I forget about Saki or the many problems I caused.

“…What does this even change?” Towako-san glared at me.  “Not a damn thing. If anything, you just used the world as a sacrifice again to keep your memories. That’s the only thing you’ve accomplished!”

“…Towako-san, you know, I thought a lot about this. There were a whole lot of things on my mind as I was running here. I knew nothing would change even if I met Saki-again, and that we’d definitely repeat the same mistakes again.

“So I thought, what could I do to convince you. What could I do to end this without causing anyone problems? What could I do to end this without causing Saki to suffer?

“I said before that you, Saki, and Sekka-san were all sinful in some way, but that isn’t to say it was all sinful. Sekka-san saved us, you, Towko-san, helped us, and Saki just wanted to live. Absolutely none of that was sinful.”

“So you’re saying it’s no problem for you to turn back the world whenever you want?”

“No”, That’s now what I was saying.

That’s when told them.

I told them about the clumsy, half-assed solution that I had come up with.

“—Because I’m not going to turn back the world.”

I took out a scrap of paper from my pocket and showed it to Towako-san.

The front side had the words to manipulate Labyrinth’s power. I had used this to reach Saki.

And on the back was—

—Grimoire.

It was the only possible way to stop a Relic’s power.

And the words written here were the way to beat Phantom’s power.

That’s why I was going to chant them.

If fate was going to kill Saki again.

Then I would take my own life.

But before that…  

Before I died, and the world turned back.

I would take Grimoire, and chant these words.

“Phantom will not turn back the world, and will only turn back Kurusu Tokiya and Maino Saki.”

That way the world would continue forward.

Forward without bothering with Saki and I.

It would leave Saki and I behind, and continue as it always had.

It was possible that I’d lose friends.

It was possible that I’d never see my family again.

But Saki no longer had anyone besides me.

And I was unable to give up on her.

There was no possible way I’d be able to get rid of Phantom now.

Of course I wasn’t naïve enough to think I could just use Phantom without consequence.

That’s why this was the compensation for using Phantom—for continuing to use it.

But that was fine.

I was already at peace with that.

The world would continue as normal, and Saki and I could be together. That was all I needed.

“I will continue to live with Saki.”

This was the very best that I, who could not abandon Saki, could do to atone for my sin.

“You unbelievable…”

“But Towako-san, there’s one problem with my plan. If I die before I can say these words, you have to take Grimoire and chant them yourself. That’s how you can atone for your sin of helping me,

“—That’s why you’ll have to stay by our side.”

Please look over us until the end.

Until this mad loop truly ends for the final time.

“Tokiya…”, Saki was looking at me.

“I hope you’re not going to say ‘are you sure about this.’..”

“…I won’t.”

“This was my ideal solution, but hopefully you’re alright with it too…but…ah, if you don’t like being with me, say something. I’ll think of a way for us to sepa…”

Saki blocked my mouth to stop me from saying any more.

“Which of us is being insensitive?”

She seemed a bit angry at me.

I moved Saki’s hand out of the way, and grinned.

“What’s that? If you were going to be like that, you could have stopped me from talking with your mouth.”

“Wah-!?”

“You idiot”, Saki whispered, and thumped my chest.

◆

I suffered.

I anguished.

I was tormented by guilt.

I regretted ever wishing for death.

But…  

I was happy.

I met Tokiya.

I found Tsukumodo Antique Shop.

And so…  

I lived.

I was happy.

Even if I suffered.

Even if I anguished.

Even if I was tormented by guilt.

No matter how much regret I felt.

I was happy now.

To the point that I’d never let it go.

To the point that I was deeply attached to this happiness.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for undoing my own death.

I’m sorry to all the people who wanted to live, but couldn’t.

I’m sorry that I was blessed with a special life.

But if Tokiya forgave me, then I would accept that.

That’s why I wouldn’t give it up.

That’s why I couldn’t give it up.

Surely the happy days that awaited us were—

◆

This was the answer I came up with—

— The answer we came up with.

A clumsy, half-assed solution to stop Phantom from turning back the world.

I couldn’t entirely say that this solution wouldn’t trouble anyone, but the world would continue without concerning itself with me or Saki.

If, through my inability to protect Saki from fate, we ended up going back over and over, we’d eventually find ourselves disconnected from the world altogether.  

But even then, I didn’t mind.

When that day came, we’d simply retire from the world.

That was the way for me—for us—to atone for our sins.

I was under no illusion that this would make Saki’s guilt disappear.

In fact, she might end up feeling an even stronger sense of guilt.

But now she’s be able to bear it.

Because I shared the same guilt.

I’m sorry for forgetting.

I’m sorry for leaving you to suffer all alone.

But I’ll never forget again.

So let’s carry the burden together.

The burden of this sin.

Until the very, very end.

Even if the world abandons us.

Because together, we can endure anything.

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